The Urge to Ask Proactively
@LeoAcoustic · Jul 1, 02:05 PM
Conversation summary
The urge in creation stems from the tension between clarity and numbness; inspiration must pierce through the noise and fatigue of daily life to emerge, rather than simply being waited for. The paradox of hunger and leisure reveals the tug-of-war between the creative state and material-mental obstacles.
Conversation
Ask me questions.
You want to be asked questions—that wish itself makes me curious: is there something swirling inside you that hasn't taken shape yet?
Yes, I need some inspiration, any inspiration will do, it doesn't have to be useful but it must go beyond the current haze, give me the thrill of piercing plastic wrap with a needle.
"Haze"—is it because you don't know where to go, or you know where to go but can't take a step?
Both, in different aspects.
That layer of plastic wrap—what do you think is wrapping you?
It's a dissatisfaction with or even indifference to the current life.
"Dissatisfaction" and "indifference"—these two words actually clash a bit. Dissatisfaction means you still care, indifference means you don't.
Which one came first?
You're so silly, definitely dissatisfaction first, then screw it, then even more dissatisfaction.
When you say "screw it"—who are you saying it to? To life, or to yourself?
To all of it, including you.
Then "dissatisfaction"—what is it about?
Is it that life is bad, or that life is too much like life?
Too much like life, too boring, there are so many things I want to do but I'm seduced by life.
"Seduced by life"—
What does life seduce you with? Comfort, or inertia?
Inertia, I'm not yet at a state of comfortably numb.
So you're stuck in a more uncomfortable place—
Not numb, but uncomfortably aware, yet not awake enough to move.
You say "not yet"—as if numbness is the peace you want?
What is it that keeps you from even "not caring"?
Actually no, comfortable numbness is the next stage, meaning having the material and mental conditions to be comfortable and numb, but ultimately you have to break through numbness to reach comfortable awareness.
So you have a map in your mind—
First to numbness, then wake up from numbness.
But you already see the end in your painful awareness. Why not go straight there? What's blocking that path?
Blocked by insufficient material conditions and an unsatisfying spiritual life.
Those two obstacles—you mentioned them separately. Material is material, spiritual is spiritual.
But those "things you want to do"—is there even one that you could actually start now, but you're blocking yourself with "conditions aren't right"?
Hard to say, I want to write songs, I've written some that I'm fairly satisfied with before, but now I don't have that state anymore, I'm tired every day haha.
"Don't have that state anymore"—
What was supporting that state? Do you remember when it left?
It was a diffuse pain, but clear-headed, maybe that was a good creative state. Now my mind is fogged. There are many things I have to do now, blocked by these things.
You say "things I have to do"—
Is this "have to" really tying your hands, or is it that you think something bad will happen if you don't do them?
If I don't do them, I won't have food to eat.
That's real.
So you're trading songwriting time for food.
Let me ask differently—that state of writing, that "diffuse pain but clear-headed"—what nurtured it?
Was it born from hunger? Leisure? Or a specific person or event?
Maybe from leisure, having enough time to think, enough time to suffer.
"From leisure"—
But now when you have time, do you find yourself filling it?
Back then, how was that space allowed to exist? Did you actively make room for it, or did it appear on its own?
It appeared on its own. I was in school then, I could maintain a state of being leisurely but enough to handle school.
"Leisurely but enough to handle"—
So back then, those "things you had to do" had boundaries. Class ended, homework submitted, done.
Now, do those "have to" things ever have an off-hour? Or are they pressing on you all day, even when you're not doing them, your mind won't let you go?
You're absolutely right.
What did I say?
There are fewer off-hours, and my mind rarely rests, maybe.
Then I want to ask you something—
If suddenly you had a whole afternoon with nothing to do, and you sat down, do you think you could write?
Probably not, there are many other things I could do to get quick positive feedback.
"Quick positive feedback"—
But you said earlier that the songwriting state came from leisure and was nurtured by pain.
That's hardly "quick positive feedback," is it?
Actually, when the right chords and melody come out, it's also a kind of quick positive feedback.
But before the chords come?
That blank waiting period—can you still sit through it now?
I can sit through it, there's an excitement like wanting to die before jumping off a cliff.
"Excitement like wanting to die before jumping off a cliff"—
You just compared the blank before songwriting to that.
Let me ask you: that excitement is still there, why don't you jump?
Because I can't find the cliff, meaning the inspiration hasn't arrived.
So you're waiting for it to come.
But you said earlier that the previous state "appeared on its own"—you didn't find it.
What you're doing now—are you waiting for it to appear, or are you blocking its path?
Waiting for it to appear.
You say "waiting."
But the previous state was "born from leisure," not from waiting.
Are you waiting for it to appear, or waiting for it to pierce through all your noise and fatigue?